This morning I went over to the community college to go speak with the advisor about which classes to register with for the fall. However, because the fam and I might be moving back up to Tahoe at the end of our lease here in September, I told her that I wasn't sure it was the right time to register for classes. I also told her that I've been struggling very deeply with the idea that my mental health is going to prohibit me from picking the nursing route and sticking with it as a career. Basically because I've done this before, where I've had my mind set on something only to not stick with it as a career. I did it in 2012 when I wanted to be a psychotherapist, I did it again in 2013/2014 when I wanted to be a child psychologist, and then in 2016/2017 when I wanted to be a psychiatrist, then again in 2019 when I wanted to be a phlebotomist, and again in 2022 to be a birth and death doula. You catch my drift here?
I am terrified of choosing something so big, such as nursing, and not actually using it as my career. You know what I'm saying? Some things that stick out for me that make me question or doubt this career path aside from what I mentioned above, is that I really want to write. I want to write my book so bad! Lately, I've also been contemplating becoming a therapist of some kind. Or opening up my own food truck. There are too many things I can see myself doing. And on top of that, I worry about my mental health. I also worry about taking too much time and energy away from my family.
All of these overwhelm my brain with where I should take my next step forward. There are so many benefits to each path I could see myself on. And I'm not saying that if I choose the nursing path that I won't be able to write my book, I'm just accepting the fact that it will have to be put off for another unknown amount of time...again. And I really hate that!
Another reason choosing the nursing path feels so overwhelming is because it is such a solidified path. It's such a huge commitment. And I'm not against committing to something so big, I just want to make sure that when I commit, I know that where we are living at as a family isn't going to change up for at least 4-5 years. And at the moment, we're just not sure where exactly we might be going from here. I don't want to commit to a nursing program until I know for sure that I'll be able to stay with the nursing program 110%.
Anyway, I just feel kinda stuck at the moment. I feel discouraged too because I'm already 30 years old and feel this need to have some type of career. I don't want to be a doula anymore. And so my other options are open, but I'm just having a hard time choosing The One thing.
I wanted to vent this out because I feel so discouraged. Why is decision making so fucking hard for me?
No comments:
Post a Comment