I miss us!

Sometimes I want so badly to go back in time and do things better. Treat people better. Be less selfish. Be more present. Be more patient. There are so many things I would do better.

I know I can be so hard on myself for the past. Today is one of those days.

Today I feel old and simultaneously stuck in time. I have aged over the years, and yet still find myself stuck in feelings and desires that I had many years ago. Sometimes I feel like a little girl just daydreaming about her future; getting married, having babies, traveling the world, getting lost in the forest and in music forever. Wanting to eat magic mushrooms and lay naked by the river.

I want nothing more than to just be with my husband all day and all night. It's been that way since I met him! And he's worked so incredibly hard to build his life and level up, even with all his kids. So as he gets older, he is also leveling up his life and his career. And I just....stay stuck missing him and craving him. I'm happy to be just as obsessed with him as I always have been! And yet, I also feel like a little girl who is daydreaming about the future.

M has been my everything. I am grateful. But also terrified. To put so much of yourself into someone. No, not even so much of myself, ALL of myself! He is my reason for breathing. And without him, there is no oxygen in this world. Most of you might say, "Well, that's really unhealthy and probably toxic." But I just don't really care, honestly. Perhaps it's because of the way that I grew up and was just so alone and craved that love so bad that as soon as I found it, I was never letting it go. But you guys don't know M the way that I do. It isn't the love that he brings, it's the love that he is. M embodies, to me, the perfect love. The perfect balance of masculinity and femininity. The perfect balance of light and dark.  He is a master at anything he does. To me, he is otherworldly and beyond what most people would ever be able to comprehend. And to live a life like that is incredibly lonely sometimes. It's hard to find the right people! And he chooses to pour into me, to grow me, to nurture me, to love me...for me. Just as I do for him.

So duh, I wanna be around him all the time, literally. When we're apart, things aren't right in the world, and nothing but chaos ensues. He and I were created as one, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Anyway, feeling like this can make it hard sometimes. Especially when so much has changed over the years and life feels sorta dull. Not because our feelings are dull...we just have less time to be us anymore. And sometimes I get into my own head and tell myself that I ruined our lives. Because I left too many times. Because we had so many kids. Because I spent so much time being stressed out and unhappy as a struggling step-mom. And then I think that M secretly hates me or thinks I'm ugly or whatever. 

I'm trying to remember that this chapter of our lives won't be forever. That one day it can be me and him again. And the passion and zest for life will return in ways we never expected. Not to say that all of our days are lifeless and boring! It's just spent mostly being two really busy parents. A mom and a dad. And let me tell ya, having 3 kids around all at once all. the. time. is....exhausting. And we miss each other's simple company. Staying up till 3 in the morning talking. Taking late night baths and drinking wine. Holding each other in bed just being there together. Wandering around the forest and being in awe of the beauty, inspired by it and taking photos. Sitting on the couch and drawing while I listen to music. Holding hands and daydreaming together while looking up at the moon. 

I miss that.

One day we'll be not just mom and dad. But M and Sage again.

Like every year on mother's day, I think about the greatest give I have ever received: My children. But none of that would have been possible without M. He is the reason I am a mother. And I remember May 18th, 2014 when I woke up at 4am to take a pregnancy test that came up positive after trying SO HARD to conceive a baby. I remember the excitement that M and I both shared. We were about to embark on a whole journey together. Not knowing what was in store for us! But we dove in head first.

11 years later and look at where we are now!

Sure, I miss us a lot. A lot a LOT! But I am grateful to be a mother, and not just any mother, but the mother of three wonderful and magical children. A mother with an ultimate partner. I couldn't ask for more.

So happy mother's day to me...but mostly, thank you to M for making me a mother. And to my kids for choosing me as the person to guide them and support them and love them forever, unconditionally.

Okay, going to go cry now!

Dear Z,

I have been friend-lonely for a long time now. I think about you often and still have dreams where you are there. I miss you so much. But I also understand why we needed to part ways. As much as I didn't want to let you go, it was necessary that I did. But I often wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're okay. I think about the plans we always made over the years. How much hope I had for us and our futures, not just as friends, but also as business partners, entrepreneurs, soul-sisters.

I miss your smile and your laughter. I miss your wit and your charm. I miss your nonsense and your enthusiastic aura. I miss your real-ness. Your no-bullshit toleration. I just plain miss you. And I'm sad.

I'm sad because I can't reach out. Because if I reach out, I know how quickly I'll get sucked back in. Meaning, my heart will open to you as it always does and I end up getting hurt. 

This last time, it was like the wind got knocked outta me. And I just couldn't take that pain anymore.

I'm not the greatest when it comes to people. Very few will understand me. You were one of the few. And it really sucks that we don't get to grow together anymore.

It's been over two years since I sent that text message to you. And there's a part of me that regrets sending that to you. Regrets saying goodbye. I think about the last time you came out here on the train, and when you got off of the train and when we found each other amongst the crowd of people on the platform, I remember you cried and said that, "I didn't know if I was ever going to see you guys again." That moment stuck with me because to me, it was the first time in our 15 year friendship that you showed me that you actually cared for me. Like our friendship really did mean something to you. And even more so, that my kids meant something to you too. Because for me, you were always family.

Whenever I think of that moment at the train station, I want to run to my phone or my computer and reach out to you immediately. I want to apologize and tell you to come see me. I want to go running back to you and tell you I'm sorry for giving up on you. But then I remember what happened when you went back home and I sit still and feel the pain of that and remind myself, "Not again."

Because you came to see me. You made all these plans with me and my family. You were integrating deeper with the person you were meant to be, and our friendship seemed to be deepening by the day in ways that I didn't imagine could be possible. And then....nothing. Ghosted.

Was I too much for you? Is the friendship that we built too much? Because I know that when I left Colorado and I left G, she had a very hard time and felt some bitter resentment. Resentment over the fact that basically, she fell in love with me and our friendship. Everything we were building and growing together. And to her, it was gone when I had to leave Colorado. So is it the same for you too? Is the intensity of our friendship too much? Is that why you can't be my friend?

I just want to understand why you do the things you do. And simultaneously, I want to tell you that I am sorry that I let you go. I know I always told you I would always be there for you, that I would never give up on you. But at that point in time, I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to think of myself. It feels selfish. It feels painful. I'm sorry.

I will always love you. And I hope one day we find our paths crossed again.