I eagerly waited to find out what Mirabel's gift was going to be. Certainly, it couldn't be cooler than being able to communicate with animals!! I mean, c'mon!!
And then, in the end, Mirabel realized that the gift was herself. She was the gift. I was simultaneously irrationally pissed off and amazed at this fact because I know how it feels to want to have something tangible to feel more of a sense of purpose...but...I also understand the importance of realizing that you don't need to have a "special gift" to do good things in life.
Still, I felt sadness a bit for Mirabel at the end of the movie. She spent all her life waiting for her gift to arrive so she could prove to her family that she was special just like them; to no longer be excluded or feel out of place. To no longer feel like a burden on the family.
Her true gift was healing her family. Sort of resetting things to a place where it should be. Reminding her family members that their worth isn't reliant on their gifts; that they are more than their gifts. So maybe Mirabel will never have "magical abilities" or whatever, but her purpose was to bring her family together and heal them individually, which, perhaps, is the most beneficial "gift" of the family.
It made me think of my sense of purpose in life, and how, like Mirabel, I have spent 30 years feeling an absence of that. Aside from motherhood, I am lost. And I have lost count of the times I've spent "up in my room, waiting on a miracle."
I am paralyzed by decision fatigue. Depression is heavy. Anxiety is suffocating. Motherhood is exhausting. The world is disorienting. Somehow, I feel stuck in place with everything speeding past me, while also feeling like I'm spinning in circles forever and ever.
I really want to write my book. And I just don't think I have it in me at the moment, just with time spent dedicated to raising my family. It's almost impossible to find time, space, and peace enough to write what I need to write.
I also want to go back to school, but really am just exhausted. I want the energy to be able to get a degree. It is what it is.
I know we could use extra income at the moment. But in order to do that, I'd need to find a swing shift job or even graveyard, but then I'm sacrificing time spent with M (which I already barely have) and time with the family and I'm just torn on what the right thing to do is.
So I sit here.
Panic. Cry. Dwell. Guilt. Sigh.
I think to myself, "without my children and without M, I have nothing. I AM nothing." Who am I without these people in my life? What do I have to offer without these people in my life? What is my purpose in life without these people in my life? I am not a nurse. I am not a photographer. I am not a computer person. I am not a chef. I do not have a career. I do not have a degree.
"I can't move the mountains
I can't make the flowers bloom
I can't take another night up in my room
Waiting on a miracle
I can't heal what's broken
Can't control the morning rain or a hurricane
Can't keep down the unspoken invisible pain
Always waiting on a miracle, a miracle
Always walking alone
Always wanting for more
Like I'm still at that door longing to shine
Like all of you shine
All I need is a change
All I need is a chance
All I know is I can't stay on the side
Open your eyes, open your eyes, open your eyes."
Bawling. Forever.
