Forgiveness & Gratitude

Today, I was told to look up. All of us have our heads down so often, we miss so much. We walk down the street and run into someone and don't even know it until you go to apologize. It is very symbolic of our loss of faith, I think. Feeling alone. Us against the world, with the weight of it on our shoulders.

I recently shut down my social media. Well, my Facebook. I'm getting to Instagram next. Part of my emotional purge, I think. 

I've been finding it very hard to feel forgiveness, not just with other's but also of myself. Perhaps that's the problem...I'm finding it hard to forgive myself, so in turn, it is hard for me to forgive others. There are times I battle with myself about where I'm at now. Living this life I never imagined would be possible to attain, only in my wildest dreams. And what's funny about that is that it's just a regular, ol' normal life! Because I had been so stuck in the hole for so long, I thought I'd never see the light again. Yet, here I am. And sometimes, very rarely, I hear a voice in my head that says I don't deserve it. Because of all the things I did in the past, over and over again to M. How by betraying him, I was also betraying myself, because he is such an integral part of myself. I mean, who knows how long I spent trying to find him, that part of myself that I needed to cherish and love and embrace. And I did! Until I didn't. And I trashed myself and therefore, trashed him. Over and over, when I didn't understand the assignment and continuously failed the test...until, I finally freaking got it, but at a time I wasn't sure I could ever come back from. To come home to myself; to him. 

And you know why I am here today, in this life with him? Forgiveness. Unconditional love. Acceptance. Understanding. Calling me out on my shit, and still embracing me.

He's taken on so much. For me, guiltily calling them burdens, not of myself, but because I assumed it would be to him. A roll of the eyes. The obligation of it, only because he loves me. But no. Hesitancy, maybe, at first. But then ease comes through, coming from both directions of us, pushing us back together; standing before one another. Face to face. In all vulnerability. Me prepared to be told to walk away. And instead, he says, "Welcome home."

Forgiveness.

I find it hard to forgive myself, but I am working on it. So I am also able to forgive those who have caused such deep pain.

I will here like I said to a Discord group I'm apart of: I am not perfect. And I know my role in this inflicted pain, a trauma upon myself, partly done by my own doing. Back at the beginning of 2022 when I was told by Spirit that I abandoned myself, and I disagreed, and they said, "Prove it." Well, I went on my way. And you know what, I did not show up for myself. And like a mirror, the person who I needed to show up for me and my baby, didn't show up for us. And I didn't understand this until very recently in my forgiveness journey. 

This doesn't excuse his behavior or his abandonment, because he is also in charge of himself and his own decisions. And he did, in fact, hurt me and his biological son. I believe that very, very much. And so, on my healing journey of this, and also of finally coming home (to myself), and knowing in my heart what I want, what I need, what I deserve, and the all-consuming pride of learning Self-Love finally.

Not every day is perfect. There are still times when I down on myself. When I look back at the past and see all the mistakes I made, the pain I caused, the abandonment I gave, and feel like burying myself alive in a hole. So ashamed. So, so, so sorry. And I feel like no words can ever express my sorrow and apologies for it all. So I am showing through my actions instead. As best as I can.

I got what I gave. A taste of my own medicine, as they say.

And I am beyond sorry for my past actions. So today in church, we were also preparing for Pentecost next Sunday. We were supposed to write our lament to God. Whatever we needed help to let go of. To mourn. To leave in "his" hands, so to speak.

I asked for forgiveness. And to help me find forgiveness for myself so I can show up for others too. To help me release and close out these past few years. To allow my family and I to walk forward through that door with gratitude and nothing but grace. Next Sunday, we burn it in the bonfire, sending them up to God. This tremendous gift of healing. Closure. Freedom. Love. Happiness. Safety and stability. Forgiveness.

M and I are finally getting married on the 6th of June, this year. At the boring, ol' courthouse. But, we are going to have our real ceremony next September in Fallen Leaf. The dream. Come to life. Fruition. And because I was forgiven and welcomed home. I want to cry and sob while I write this here. I am just overflowing with so much gratitude and love. It reminds me of what was said today in church about how God is always with us, and that no matter how many times we fuck up, we can always come home and be embraced. There are many ways to visualize this. You can come home to the arms of God or Jesus, being embrace or cradled like a baby while you cry it out. You can come home to yourself, which to me, represents God, right? Because we are God and God is us. This also meaning that, by coming home to myself in the 5D, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...that I was able to manifest that into the 3D and was finally able to come home to M. Two branches intertwined again, but this time we are headed in the right direction: Up towards that light. Together. For eternity.

So yeah. That's where I am right now. I really need to go to the river and do a very necessary emotional purge. Maybe this week.

Dear me, I am working on my forgiveness. Bear with me and give me grace.

Love,

Me.

To D and the Necessary Tragedy

The great vine, and us, two branches that intertwined for a season.

At the point of joining, a delicate bud emerged. 

One branch reaching for the sun to nourish this new bud, the other preferred the shade, too afraid to dry up, not knowing that the water flows from within, protecting it.

The flower begins to bloom, day by day, in the sunlight. The branch carrying it proudly. Excited for the changes ahead.

The other still cowering in the dark, entangling itself with the withering branches below, perhaps it felt safe?

The sunny branch calls the bees to her flower.

And the bees happily hum around its sweet scent, kissing the flower, ensuring the livelihood this flower will have.

The flower begins to metamorphose. Losing its petals.

Emerging now was the fruit. The branch, in pride, showing off her beautiful creation.

The other, now beginning to dry up and wither away. It became lifeless.

What would have happened if the other branch had believed the water would give sustenance to provide life and growth in the sun?

To expand with the other branches.

To bear the fruit to provide for this world; a gift.

Adding the necessary sweetness to the bitter world we live in.

I continue to focus upward. Praising the fruit that was gifted and nourished, even through all the pain.

Thoughts From Church (04/28/24)

So, this is new and a bit "Out-Of-Character" for me. But, very recently I have been trying out church. Today was my third time. I first went to your typical church, but very modernized. It was nice. I found it very coincidental that on that day, my first day going to church, we had started with page 1 of the bible: Genesis. I left that day with many questions. I also felt conflicted. This was before I had my surgery. I had the pastor reach out to me a couple days after, asking me how my experience was. I told him that it was good and that I was curious to come back. He prayed for me and my family, and I very much appreciated that. He was a kind, young man. And I liked his energy and the laid-back humor he had. However, I felt very pressured. And I wasn't sure how to go about it. 

After my surgery when I was fully able to move around, I found an episcopal church that I had been curious about for awhile now. I found it coincidental that the chapel that M and I are getting married is an episcopal chapel. I went for the 8am service that morning. According to their website, their 8am service is more "traditional." They have a 10am service that is a bit more modernized and is also virtual and recorded for people who can't attend in person. The 8am service that I went to was very foreign. I felt like an observer, while people knew that I had not attended before. They were very kind and welcoming and even offered to show me how things are done. I also had little Roux with me, which everyone absolutely adored.

I didn't know any of the hymns and finding the right pages and passages were difficult. Knowing when to stand and sit down as well as the right things to say at the right time was also confusing. However, Father Michael who is interim at the moment was very curious to know me and my son and why we had come in to the episcopal church that first morning.

And so, exactly why had I come in that morning? What led me to this moment and pushed me through those doors? 

When I tell you that these past few years softened parts of my heart and hardened the other parts, I mean it really did. And there were many times, especially towards the end there back in 2022, where I felt completely taken over by the hope and faith of....whatever you desire to call it. Being at my lowest and on the edge of giving up hope completely...I lay there on the ground and wept and wept, begging for help and release and freedom from this pain and suffering and abandonment I had been experiencing, and yes, some due to my own doing. 

And it was like an embrace, or something cradling me, like you would with a baby. Images of a future filled with love and freedom and beauty had flickered in my head. Very vividly, I saw what was possible and waiting for me on the other side of all this sorrow. The tears I had been crying then turned into happy tears, filled with hope and determination to make that future a reality. No matter what it took.

For awhile, as in a few years, I had been given subtle hints to delve deeper into my spirituality (nudges), or more so, shoved from one tragedy to the next, in order to come face to face with God; and I was stubborn. Now, I have always been a spiritual person. But Father Michael told me today, that there has been a recent upcoming of youth, like myself, that are and always have been spiritual people, but are now looking for something more solid. This made me curious. And it made me happy that people were coming together, looking for that ultimate faith in something because where we are in the current world now is, I think, the most lost we have ever been. So where do we look to, if not to God.

So today, two passages were read that were confusing to me that I really had to decipher to better understand. Listen, I have never read the bible, or the book of common prayer, or anything. It was hard for me to even differentiate the difference between God and Jesus! And I also didn't know if Jesus was a real person or if he was a fictional character in a book that everyone praised. I know, please excuse my ignorance in these matters.

So the first passage was "The First Lesson" Acts 8:26-40

"Like a sheep he was led to the slaughter, and like a lamb silent before the shearer, so he does not open his mouth. In his humiliation justice was denied him. Who can describe his generation? For his life is taken away from the earth?"

Okay, I was like, "What??" I wasn't sure if they were talking about a literal sheep about to go to the slaughter. Or if they were talking about this eunuch or this Philip. I was very confused. Then I read and reread it. And it became clear to me that this was about Jesus. Duh. About his sacrifice and the justice that never came. How, even through the entirety of his torture, humiliation, and crucifixion, he stayed silent and did what was known by him to be done.

Then I began to wonder, "Why would God let this cruelty happen? If God loved him so much, why would he make this man suffer? And more importantly, did Jesus know that he would be God's sacrifice?" It just didn't make sense to me.

After this lesson was "The Second Lesson" 1 John 4:7-21

I won't type it all out here, but it basically talks about how God is Love and that when you know Love, you know God. When you do not know Love, it is impossible for you to know God. Now, this made a bit more sense to me, for the most part. I have always said that God was Love for as long as I can remember. To me, it was always easier to imagine God as an energy instead of a great, big man in the sky. But this brings me back to that first lesson. If God is Love, and if he loves his sacrificial son, Jesus Christ, why again, would he put someone that he loves through all of that suffering? Understanding that it was for the good of humanity, I guess. But these thoughts also brought me back to all those years of suffering; from when I was a child and off and on through the years of adolescence and adulthood. And it became clear to me, that God, being Love, teaches us through suffering, in order to learn through Love: self-love. That through all the hardship you go through, even some due to your own doing, you are being tested by God, (by Love), if you can get up and out of it and truly love yourself; mistakes and all. Or if you choose to talk down on yourself and give up on yourself; never giving yourself grace during hard times, to stay stuck down in it and blame yourself and others for your whole life.

Love is the ultimate teacher! It teaches us through heartbreak, it teaches us through mourning, it teaches us through infidelity and betrayal, it teaches us through marriage and having babies. Love is our constant teacher. Our constant motivator for everything! Therefore, God is our constant teacher. Even in the pain of Love.

So then we get to the this part of the lesson that confused and intimidated me at first. And I will type this one out because it only makes sense when you know the whole passage.

The Gospel: John 15:1-8

"Jesus said to his disciples: I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower. He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to to make it bear more fruit. You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing. Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned. If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit and become my disciples."

Okay, this had me like, "Woah. Oh my god." This sounds awful and very demanding. It sounds very black and white, much like how I have viewed religion in the past, like you're either a believer or not. To me, this passage read as: "If you believe in me, you will have a great life and be prosperous and happy. If you do not believe in me, fuck you and die, oh well!" Now, Father Michael came to the stand and said, "Woah. Oh my god." And he said, "Lets talk about this, because I know that when I read this, it made me want to turn around and walk out that door." We all laughed, which was a relief, because it meant that I wasn't the only one going, "Woah. Oh my god."

He told us to reread it with the idea that we, ourselves, are not the "bad" branches that God is taking and  "pruning" us to burn in the fire. Rather, there are parts of us that we must surrender to God, in aiding us to "get rid of or heal" the not-so-great parts of ourselves. To cut away the parts of ourselves that are preventing us from living our best lives and being our best selves. I mean, imagine carrying all that dead weight on you for all these years. Not knowing that if you just "prune them away" that walking further into your destined future will be like finally coming up for air when you've been drowning for so long.

I also assumed that the sentence, "Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned" was basically saying that those who don't believe in me will be discarded and burn in hell because you don't matter and are trash." And the sentence, "Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing" was saying that "Without me, you have no control and can't do anything to gain my respect or love." This seemed quite unfair and not loving at all! What about forgiveness? 

Though, he did sacrifice Jesus so...

After taking in that different perspective that Father Michael shared, following the same idea that there are those dead parts of ourselves that our preventing our growth and expansion, that it is in faith that these parts of ourselves will be pruned, only if we surrender to that faith and leave it to God to aid you in this journey. Basically the phrase, "Let Go and Let God." A phrase in which I have come to like and follow very much over these past few years. Basically, we don't have control of our lives, the hardships, etc. That God has already predetermined it. God has provided many paths and it is up to us to decide which to choose. And those paths branch off, and those paths branch off, and those branch off into forever...so why not have faith that, even through these hardships, even through the drowning, the one choice we do have is to surrender and ask for help and guidance. Surrender. One of my favorite words.

With this branch analogy, I was able to now imagine faith as this great vine. Does the vine question how it can bear fruit, or does it just grow the dang fruit? Doesn't it just "trust" that it will bear fruit through the water and nutrients that is naturally provided to it? Isn't that faith, in a tangible form? Does the vine decide to dry out and die, wither away if you will? Or does this just happen as a natural occurrence? So, too, must we be like the vine or the branches of the vine.

Just food for thought.

Now, back to the sentence, "Whoever does not abide in me is thrown away like a branch and withers; such branches are gathered, thrown into the fire and burned," I also read it as, "Whoever has no faith will continue to suffer." It made perfect sense to me! For in the times that I surrendered, cried it out from my heart and soul, and begged for help in the space around me...having faith that the help would come, knowing that I was not alone, my life would begin to improve day by day. I began to prune and throw into the fire, those parts of myself that were no longer healthy and thriving, thus holding me back from a life of renewal, growth, expansion, safety, love, stability, and happiness. And then, here I am looking at the Self I was, embracing her, forgiving her, and thanking her for providing the foundation to being the woman I am today. It's hard to not have faith when miracles happen. Without the suffering and pain and struggle, we do not have the opportunity to learn ourselves and love who we are.

Remember, if God is Love, and God has the power to create life and destroy life, than Love can create life as well as well as destruct it. If you imagine every good and bad experience in your life, can you see what was going on at the time that changed the course of your journey? What was the main motivator? Were you searching for love? Were you running from it? Did you lose something you loved? Did a passion of yours lead you to success and abundance? Or did you end up running into yourself, having no choice but to look really hard and decide whether or not you were going to love her...or hate her, just as I did. You can't have life without death. Creation without destruction. Love without hate. 

So now, go back and reread John 15:1-8. I'm telling you, you'll never be able to read it the way you originally did. Instead of it feeling like a threat, doesn't it feel more like a positive reminder or advice? Instead of, "Hey, follow me or you're going to suffer and bear no fruit." Isn't it more, "Hey, don't forget that I am here when you need help to bear fruit!"

Maybe it is all a comfort thing. Because how can we really be so sure of something? It feels safe and comfortable to think that when it is our time, that we will be okay and that there is something beautiful waiting for us. I don't think God would judge us based on whether or not we believed in him. I think it is more about believing ourselves. Loving ourselves genuinely. Standing in our truth, following our hearts. And I think that if we "fail" in this lifetime, we are sent back to try again. (Maybe that's why we experience Déjà vu). And so on until we reach that peace and love within. Because we are God, and God is Love and so to live life in Love is the ultimate goal. Which is, understandably difficult. 

As I close off with my thoughts about all this today, I want to share something that I want and need to work on, myself.

Another thing that was said today was to love thy sisters and brothers and neighbors. But it is hard to never have a bad thought about a certain person. Someone who has hurt you. It is hard to feel love for the people who have caused harm. And is it really not okay to say that you hate people who are killing babies and women and children and sending men off to die in wars? Is it not our right to judge? What do we do when these thoughts and feelings arise inside us? Do we brush it aside and just tell ourselves, "No, we must love thy brothers and sisters and neighbors. No matter how awful they are." I mean, come on! Does the Dalai Lama never have or feel or think a bad or negative thought? This is something I need to understand more and work very hard on. Not that I am a hateful person. But the need to understand how to be more loving and forgiving is something I absolutely desire.

I have had the urge to be baptized for awhile now. Even before I understood what it really was. What it meant or symbolized. I was offered to be baptized by that previous church I told you about. I held off and I didn't understand why until today. As I was driving home from church, an image flashed through my mind of these dead branches on fire. And in this same image, I imagined that water was poured onto the burning branches. And maybe this is what baptized is. That by being baptized, it's like water extinguishing the fire so that renewal can begin.

So cleanse me. Make me anew. And teach me how to live in Love and surrender to it's destruction and creation.