Dear Z,

I have been friend-lonely for a long time now. I think about you often and still have dreams where you are there. I miss you so much. But I also understand why we needed to part ways. As much as I didn't want to let you go, it was necessary that I did. But I often wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're okay. I think about the plans we always made over the years. How much hope I had for us and our futures, not just as friends, but also as business partners, entrepreneurs, soul-sisters.

I miss your smile and your laughter. I miss your wit and your charm. I miss your nonsense and your enthusiastic aura. I miss your real-ness. Your no-bullshit toleration. I just plain miss you. And I'm sad.

I'm sad because I can't reach out. Because if I reach out, I know how quickly I'll get sucked back in. Meaning, my heart will open to you as it always does and I end up getting hurt. 

This last time, it was like the wind got knocked outta me. And I just couldn't take that pain anymore.

I'm not the greatest when it comes to people. Very few will understand me. You were one of the few. And it really sucks that we don't get to grow together anymore.

It's been over two years since I sent that text message to you. And there's a part of me that regrets sending that to you. Regrets saying goodbye. I think about the last time you came out here on the train, and when you got off of the train and when we found each other amongst the crowd of people on the platform, I remember you cried and said that, "I didn't know if I was ever going to see you guys again." That moment stuck with me because to me, it was the first time in our 15 year friendship that you showed me that you actually cared for me. Like our friendship really did mean something to you. And even more so, that my kids meant something to you too. Because for me, you were always family.

Whenever I think of that moment at the train station, I want to run to my phone or my computer and reach out to you immediately. I want to apologize and tell you to come see me. I want to go running back to you and tell you I'm sorry for giving up on you. But then I remember what happened when you went back home and I sit still and feel the pain of that and remind myself, "Not again."

Because you came to see me. You made all these plans with me and my family. You were integrating deeper with the person you were meant to be, and our friendship seemed to be deepening by the day in ways that I didn't imagine could be possible. And then....nothing. Ghosted.

Was I too much for you? Is the friendship that we built too much? Because I know that when I left Colorado and I left G, she had a very hard time and felt some bitter resentment. Resentment over the fact that basically, she fell in love with me and our friendship. Everything we were building and growing together. And to her, it was gone when I had to leave Colorado. So is it the same for you too? Is the intensity of our friendship too much? Is that why you can't be my friend?

I just want to understand why you do the things you do. And simultaneously, I want to tell you that I am sorry that I let you go. I know I always told you I would always be there for you, that I would never give up on you. But at that point in time, I just couldn't take it anymore and I had to think of myself. It feels selfish. It feels painful. I'm sorry.

I will always love you. And I hope one day we find our paths crossed again.