Forgiveness & Gratitude

Today, I was told to look up. All of us have our heads down so often, we miss so much. We walk down the street and run into someone and don't even know it until you go to apologize. It is very symbolic of our loss of faith, I think. Feeling alone. Us against the world, with the weight of it on our shoulders.

I recently shut down my social media. Well, my Facebook. I'm getting to Instagram next. Part of my emotional purge, I think. 

I've been finding it very hard to feel forgiveness, not just with other's but also of myself. Perhaps that's the problem...I'm finding it hard to forgive myself, so in turn, it is hard for me to forgive others. There are times I battle with myself about where I'm at now. Living this life I never imagined would be possible to attain, only in my wildest dreams. And what's funny about that is that it's just a regular, ol' normal life! Because I had been so stuck in the hole for so long, I thought I'd never see the light again. Yet, here I am. And sometimes, very rarely, I hear a voice in my head that says I don't deserve it. Because of all the things I did in the past, over and over again to M. How by betraying him, I was also betraying myself, because he is such an integral part of myself. I mean, who knows how long I spent trying to find him, that part of myself that I needed to cherish and love and embrace. And I did! Until I didn't. And I trashed myself and therefore, trashed him. Over and over, when I didn't understand the assignment and continuously failed the test...until, I finally freaking got it, but at a time I wasn't sure I could ever come back from. To come home to myself; to him. 

And you know why I am here today, in this life with him? Forgiveness. Unconditional love. Acceptance. Understanding. Calling me out on my shit, and still embracing me.

He's taken on so much. For me, guiltily calling them burdens, not of myself, but because I assumed it would be to him. A roll of the eyes. The obligation of it, only because he loves me. But no. Hesitancy, maybe, at first. But then ease comes through, coming from both directions of us, pushing us back together; standing before one another. Face to face. In all vulnerability. Me prepared to be told to walk away. And instead, he says, "Welcome home."

Forgiveness.

I find it hard to forgive myself, but I am working on it. So I am also able to forgive those who have caused such deep pain.

I will here like I said to a Discord group I'm apart of: I am not perfect. And I know my role in this inflicted pain, a trauma upon myself, partly done by my own doing. Back at the beginning of 2022 when I was told by Spirit that I abandoned myself, and I disagreed, and they said, "Prove it." Well, I went on my way. And you know what, I did not show up for myself. And like a mirror, the person who I needed to show up for me and my baby, didn't show up for us. And I didn't understand this until very recently in my forgiveness journey. 

This doesn't excuse his behavior or his abandonment, because he is also in charge of himself and his own decisions. And he did, in fact, hurt me and his biological son. I believe that very, very much. And so, on my healing journey of this, and also of finally coming home (to myself), and knowing in my heart what I want, what I need, what I deserve, and the all-consuming pride of learning Self-Love finally.

Not every day is perfect. There are still times when I down on myself. When I look back at the past and see all the mistakes I made, the pain I caused, the abandonment I gave, and feel like burying myself alive in a hole. So ashamed. So, so, so sorry. And I feel like no words can ever express my sorrow and apologies for it all. So I am showing through my actions instead. As best as I can.

I got what I gave. A taste of my own medicine, as they say.

And I am beyond sorry for my past actions. So today in church, we were also preparing for Pentecost next Sunday. We were supposed to write our lament to God. Whatever we needed help to let go of. To mourn. To leave in "his" hands, so to speak.

I asked for forgiveness. And to help me find forgiveness for myself so I can show up for others too. To help me release and close out these past few years. To allow my family and I to walk forward through that door with gratitude and nothing but grace. Next Sunday, we burn it in the bonfire, sending them up to God. This tremendous gift of healing. Closure. Freedom. Love. Happiness. Safety and stability. Forgiveness.

M and I are finally getting married on the 6th of June, this year. At the boring, ol' courthouse. But, we are going to have our real ceremony next September in Fallen Leaf. The dream. Come to life. Fruition. And because I was forgiven and welcomed home. I want to cry and sob while I write this here. I am just overflowing with so much gratitude and love. It reminds me of what was said today in church about how God is always with us, and that no matter how many times we fuck up, we can always come home and be embraced. There are many ways to visualize this. You can come home to the arms of God or Jesus, being embrace or cradled like a baby while you cry it out. You can come home to yourself, which to me, represents God, right? Because we are God and God is us. This also meaning that, by coming home to myself in the 5D, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally...that I was able to manifest that into the 3D and was finally able to come home to M. Two branches intertwined again, but this time we are headed in the right direction: Up towards that light. Together. For eternity.

So yeah. That's where I am right now. I really need to go to the river and do a very necessary emotional purge. Maybe this week.

Dear me, I am working on my forgiveness. Bear with me and give me grace.

Love,

Me.