2 years ago, I did a DMT trip. I hadn’t done one in over 12 years at that point. There was an urge to reconnect with myself and check in. Where was I? How have I truly been? Was there anything I needed to know? I expected the answers to be colorful, full of love, almost in celebration, very much like the first time I experienced DMT. What I got was dark. Blacks and whites, pen scribbles, faces that were not happy. I did not feel like a welcomed guest this time.
I found myself wandering around lost inside of this empty maze-like house. Running. All day and all night. The song, “Heaven’s Gonna Burn Your Eyes” by Thievery Corporation was playing. And instead of it bringing some type of peace and warmth, it felt almost threatening and it frightened me. The next thing I knew, I was outside both looking at plants and flowers while simultaneously being the plants and flowers.
There were bees. The bees said, “Everything sees.” I was then back into this strange, dark, black and white pen scribble mirror room with the grumpy faces. I felt like I was trying to hide my eyes away from them. And at once they all said, “You abandoned yourself.” I was filled with pain and tears and anger. “No, there’s no way! I would never abandon myself! I love myself!”
“Prove it!” And out they spat me, back into reality.
Real tears streaming down my face. No words forming. And there I sat in silence. At first I was angry. I felt hurt. I felt betrayed. I felt really alone. There was seemingly no beauty in this experience I had just had. I got into my car and drove out to the silent forest to process through it all. Still, I had not said a single word.
I sat there in silence in my car, you know, the kind of silence where your ears are ringing? For three hours, just staring at a blank page. I ended up drawing and writing down some of my experience and also remember writing down, “I wish I could love myself as much as I love others.”
This single experience sent me on one of the hardest journeys of my life. The journey of Self-Love. A path I thought I had been on, but clearly was not. Had I truly abandoned myself? How is that even possible?? "I DO love myself, don’t I?”
I was living with my partner in Tahoe at the time and had recently lost a job that I actually enjoyed which then sent me into a spiral of depression, turned mania. Hence, why I felt the need to “Check In” with myself. It was a decision I came to after this DMT trip while going through a manic episode that I needed, yet again, to move back to Colorado. *Seriously rolling my eyes here* (I have moved to and from CO 3 times at this point...I'll get into that later).
No one could talk me out of it, and seemingly, everything to get me there happened seamlessly, perfectly, and like it was meant to be. Which only confirmed my delusions, thoughts, and feelings.
I wrote frantically in my manifestation journal everything that I needed to manifest. And getting to Colorado, to the new apartment, with my roommate whom at the time was an angel to me and my kids...everything in my manifestation journal was like a checklist with checkmarks next to each wish and desire. It was a sign from God.
I would spend the next month and a half with this person, riding this high. I found a job, I was preparing the home for the new school year, buying groceries and cooking food like a maniac, simply because I had more than enough in food stamps since they had not canceled my EBT card while I was away in California. Well, I’m not a waster, so I used all. of. those. food stamps, even going out with a few homeless people to buy them whatever they wanted. I spent a month’s worth of food stamps on a charcuterie board for 6-8 people. I was buying groceries for my boyfriend making sure he had food in his sad and empty fridge. I may not have had any income, but if there was anything I was abundant in, it was food.
By the end of July, my boyfriend and I had planned a camping trip. I left my daughter with his dad and girlfriend, and my son was still with his dad in California for the Summer. I hadn’t been camping in 9 years, so I was definitely stoked. This whole camping trip, I remember just being so over the moon, and energy-wise, I felt like the energizer bunny. We sat around the campfire, laughing at nonsense. In the distance there was lightning but no thunder.
We did DMT. I was apprehensive, of course. Though it was very short lived, I saw the same grumpy faces. But what I found really interesting and beautiful was that when I looked up into the sky, it looked like water, and we were under it. I remember thinking to myself, "This must be what it feels like to be a baby in the womb."
The next morning, I felt different. Calmer. Still. Like you’re waiting for something to appear around the corner or something. I missed my little girl. I needed her. So as much I wanted to camp forever, I was so happy to be going to my little girl again and tell her how much I loved her. Each day that passed after this, the stillness was still present.
By August 1st, I became tired. Drained. And then on August 5th, I found out I was pregnant.
