I apologize for my posts being published out of order. It has taken me some time to get these out because of how traumatic the whole situation(s) was/were. I had some saved in drafts with dates pre-set to publish. But for some reason, they have come out published out of order. Because of this, I have made a separate label for them: "It's Been About 4 Years." You can find each part there. I am also thinking of redesigning my whole blog because it just feels very unorganized. Anyway, not that people are really reading much of this blog anyway, I just felt the need to apologize for my sloppy publishing. So...now that we're finally at Part 10...it's been the hardest to write out, simply because at this point in time when I was in the hospital having to reflect on this entire experience while recovering from my third and final cesarean, it's just...tough to go back and feel the feelings. But this is how I heal. And I gotta get it out. It's taken me almost 2 years. So to you, whoever you are, thank you for walking alongside me on this journey. Thank you for hearing me. Even if it's just one person. Thank you.
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I spent the next day, scrolling on my phone searching for shelters and low income housing options for my newborn baby, my two young children, and I. What I didn't mention about the previous night is that the night nurse in charge of me and my little baby had come in to talk to me after ______ passed out. What she told me never left me. She came in and sat at the edge of my bed and placed her hand on my leg that was hidden under the blanket. I was breastfeeding Roux and feeling so many feelings all at once. Gratitude at the fact that Roux was safe and finally in my arms and that we were alive together! Anger and betrayal at ______'s obvious attempt to flee. Incredible sadness beyond comprehension that the future family I envisioned was only a mirage.
I was exhausted, beyond so, like not even fully here in this world. So when the nurse placed her hand on my leg, it grounded me just a bit to bring me back to earth. She looked in my eyes and she told me, "You see that man over there?" She gestured towards ______ who was blissfully passed out in the chair. "Yes." I sighed. Her eyes started to water a bit as she peered deeper into my eyes and said, "You don't need a man like that. This baby boy? He doesn't need a man like that. A man like that will do nothing for you but abandon you and the family, over and over and over again. No matter what you do, or what you offer, it will never be enough to keep him off the drink." I cried. My heart was broken and shattered. She offered me some resources for shelters and suggested I find a new home as soon as possible. I definitely knew this, but to hear it from another woman...made me feel so seen. I spent the rest of that night reeling from everything that happened up until that moment. How did I get myself here in this situation? How could I have allowed this in my life? What the fuck was I going to do?? And then I looked down at my sleeping babe, and was reminded that everything was going to be okay. We were going to be okay.
______ finally woke up around noon the next day and headed back to the apartment, seemingly having no recollection of the previous night. To say I was angry would be a serious understatement. While searching around for a place to go and applying to the new place that was opening up soon that the night nurse suggested I try to get into, social services came in to talk to me about everything that happened. They asked me if I felt safe. They asked me what I wanted to do moving forward. They told me they would also help me search for a safe place to go if I needed, which I did. They asked if I was going to be putting ______'s name on Roux's birth certificate. I couldn't give a definite answer at the time.
The day nurse came in and discussed with me that ______ would not be allowed in the building and that security was notified of this as well. I felt some ease from that decision. How he even made it passed security the night prior is bewildering to me.
I definitely savored the hospital stay. The food was life-giving. Oh, how I needed that food! I felt so fucking drained and empty. The unsalted eggs and dry toast with cranberry juice was somehow the best meal I'd had in a long time. The broths I made that ______ had brought to me in the middle of the night had only reminded me of the whole incident and I wanted nothing to do with them.
My mom came by and we talked. She brought David and Nakova with her to meet their new baby brother. Little Kova crawled into the hospital bed with me and Roux and passed out next to us. I'm assuming she was right where she had wanted to be this entire time! Poor, little Kova had spent the duration of my pregnancy clinging to my side. Towards the last two months of the pregnancy, she would be so overwhelmed with love and care towards me and her growing baby brother that every. single. day at preschool, she would develop a high fever, and I would need to come pick her up from school early. As soon as we were all home together, her fever would go away. To see her crashed out, mouth open, hand on her baby brother...yeah, she was right where she needed to be.
They wanted to boot me out on day three and I told them I was not ready to go. I didn't want to go back to that apartment. I was beyond perturbed at the thought of being anywhere near _____. I kept getting reminders to add him to the birth certificate. I was still struggling with the decision to do so. I asked my mom if I would be able to stay with her and my grandmother. But because her husband was also coming to town, there was simply no room to stay.
My best friend came on day four or five...I can't remember how long I could squeeze my stay in. I remember her helping me get all our things together. I kept having to take a break to sit down and cry. I did not want to leave! She held me and comforted me. I remember getting me and baby boy into the car, buckling up, and driving to meet my mom...the reason I can't remember why. But I remember talking with my mom while I sat inside the car and she stood outside the window. I broke down so hard in front of her. I remember sobbing about how I was so scared. I remember sobbing out that this was supposed to be a happy moment...where I was supposed to be going home with my family. Celebrating the joy and wonder of bringing new life into this world. Instead, I was shaking. Uncontrollably crying. Dreading having to be anywhere near that apartment, alone with ______.
My mom did her best to calm and comfort me. She expressed her sorrow for my situation. She offered to keep Nakova and David with her while she was there. She was sorry I wasn't able to just stay with her as well for the month she was going to be there. She made a suggestion that I just tell ______ to stay somewhere else while I recover so that I didn't have that anxiety looming over me. I thought that was a great idea, seeing as how I knew there were people I knew he could ask. And off I went, back to the apartment where _____would be waiting.
I hobbled my way to the door and opened it, hands shaking. My cesarean was still pretty tender of course, so the heaviest thing I could carry was my baby. I laid Roux down in my bedroom so that I could go and speak to ______. He was sitting on the futon in the living room and was in a chipper mood, the kind of chipper that seemed very rehearsed. It was strange and extremely off-putting and uncomfortable. I sat down on the ground in front of him and explained to him that the obvious situation we were in was done. I was done. I told him that I needed him to find another place to sleep for at least a week so that I could recover in peace. He simply told me that he would try to find somewhere to sleep, but that he would be working day and night and so I should be pretty much alone most of the time. I found that extremely convenient, seeing as how during the entire pregnancy and at the end of the birth, he always had everywhere else to be but by my side. I told him that I would no longer be trying for a relationship with him and that I had an apartment search going while my mom was there visiting for the month. Basically, I was saying: We are done. I am leaving.
Now, over the course of the first two weeks being at the apartment, he did not find a place to crash. He would work early in the morning, come back to the apartment for a quick change, and go to work at night. Sometimes not coming home until 3am. So, true, he was gone a lot. But I was annoyed at the fact that he was coming around at all. He was getting a ride to his day job from a mysterious woman. And one morning, I woke up to find him face down on the couch with his head fully shaven down to nothing. It was alarming seeing him like this. He was nothing but skin and bones and a shaved head. I remember David coming out and seeing him asleep on the couch and asking me if he was alive.
During this time, I was caring for Roux and getting down a breastfeeding routine. My best friend was visiting me every day. My doula was bringing me food, as was my mom. I was struggling physically a lot more this time so it was hard to stand for a long period of time, I think because I spent 36 hours in labor, half pushing out a baby (which I'd never done before) and then had a cesarean on top of that. It just felt like my body was struggling so much more this time around. It was almost impossible to cook myself any food unless it was something I could just throw into the microwave. That's why I was so relieved when my mom, best friend, and doula brought me easy sustenance.
I received letters in the mail about my food stamps benefits ending, as well as my medicaid and childcare benefits. This was, I think, the final straw for me that told me, "It's time." My time in Colorado needed to come to a close. It only took me 3 years, 3 attempts, and 11 moves to try to make it work. And I was done. D-O-N-E. There was nothing left for me to build and learn. It was time to come home.
I sat down with _____ for another talk and told him the current state benefits ending. I told him I was losing all of it. I stopped looking for another apartment, I cancelled the current application that I had for the new shelter that was opening, and began talking with my family about coming home. It was discussed with my aunt that the kids and I could come stay with her and my uncle until I got into my own place. I mentioned all of this to him and he was very accepting of the situation and said, "I needed to do what was right for myself and the kids." And so I spent the next 3-4 weeks preparing for our departure.
Everything that my best friend did to help make this apartment feel like a home, she was helping me take it all apart and packed away into totes and boxes. She helped me with Roux so that I could take a shower or eat a snack. We all snuggled in the sun and talked and laughed and cried about it all. It was the most bittersweet time with her. Both of us, traumatized by this experience together. Her, opening up the blinds in the room and opening up the window to let the breeze and the sunshine in. "Doesn't it feel so good to feel the sunshine in this room right now?" She would exclaim. "Is your smoothie bowl good?" This woman was such an angel.
The last couple of weeks I did my best to soak up that time with her. We took the kids to a Rockies game. Something I had been wanting to do for 3 fucking years. And finally, my best friend, her partner, his kid, and my kids all got together to see a damn Rockies game. It was amazing. It brought back all the good childhood nostalgia. The cheering, the sunshine, the music, the snacks. But this time, I got to share these feelings with my children. It was amazing.
The final day before we had to make the trip back home, me and Roux went to go see The Cure with my best friend. At just 8 weeks old, Roux was experiencing the magic of music and what The Cure brings forth with their songs. Robert Smith, a total legend, voice completely youthful and unchanged through all these years. A few of my favorites came on, and I danced the best I could while holding my little guy. We swayed, we rocked, with his headphones on, of course (;
The Cure played song after song, which hit memory after memory of my now husband because it was one of those bands that tied us in together. I thought of him so much at this time. And I missed him dearly. I told myself I was a fool for betraying him. He was obviously aware of everything that was going on, as he was in the know since the time I found out I was pregnant. But I was set on the idea that he would never again love me the way he did. Not after how much I hurt him. From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea played. The Same Deep Water As You played. I held onto Roux and cried. I longed so much. To Wish Impossible Things played and I looked up at the evening sky.
The last memory I had of _____ was when I had to go back to the apartment that night after the show one final time to grab my backpack and other smaller items to bring back to my best friend's house that night since we would be leaving from her place the next morning. I went inside and saw him hunched over the bathroom sink. I didn't see anything until I opened the bathroom door to go to pee and then that's when I saw it all. He had thrown up all over the bathroom. All over. Then I looked to him at the sink which was also covered in throw up. He looked up at me in this sort of apologetic panic and said to me that he had the flu, "I swear." Though I could smell the booze. I looked at him, standing there as best as he could, shaved head, no shirt, skin and bones, blood-shot eyes, spit on his bottom lip. "It's okay, I'll hold it." I looked at him one last time before I turned and said goodbye as I walked out the door.
This was the last that I saw him. That was my final image of him.
I walked slowly down the hallway and cried one final time before exiting the apartment and leaving to my future.
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