See, the original plan was that I would move into an apartment with him, and we would split the rent no biggie. But I was a dumbass and struggling with a manic episode which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy which domino affected into me leaving my job and no longer able to pay for rent.
Now, mind you, my roommate and I discussed this thoroughly and he was very adamant about him taking care of the rent so that I could focus on the health of my baby and I and my other two children. I should have known better, but I did put my trust in him.
It was never my intention to put this financial burden on him. However, he did it make it abundantly clear to me that it was 100% okay and not to worry.
Yes, this is the same roommate who ended up coming onto me in my 7th month of pregnancy, wishing I would come into his room at night. And shortly after finding out that he hadn't paid a dime in rent. Story for another time.
Anyway, though it was never my intention to put any strain on him whatsoever, I understand that I had been selfish in the matter. And I apologized for that.
He responded back in December with something I didn't feel necessary to respond to after that. And then yesterday, I get an email from him at about 1am his time.
Basically, he was apologizing to me, also forgiving me, and then basically telling me that he was thinking of calling it quits and he just wanted to let me know and say goodbye in case he follows through.
At first I wasn't going to respond. I even talked to my sister about it as well as my husband who agreed that no response was best. But...suicide is a toughy for me.
As much as I wish I could just shrug it off or not feed into the bullshit, I couldn't have something hanging over my conscience like this. Look, I've known too many people who "called it quits" or lost their life too early. If I had the opportunity to give them at least more time to think things through, I would have in a heart beat. When someone reaches out to me with even the slightest hint of suicide, I do my best to help them.
Now, most people who are in this headspace don't share with others. I know this. But for me, for the people that DO say something, that is hope. That is someone reaching out and saying, "maybe this one." And if I am the person they reach out to, then I feel a sense of duty.
Maybe that's wrong of me. Maybe it's unhealthy. But I just can't have that shit hanging over my head at night.
Either way, they are going to do it or they aren't. I have no control over that. But God forbid, he follows through...and if I had not responded, some of his final thoughts and feelings would reflect that emptiness. I don't know.
I'd rather speak up. Whether he gives in or not, at least I tried. At least there is some closure there.
Is that selfish of me?
I just feel sad about the whole situation in general. I was always aware of the line the walked. And I did the best I could as a friend for him until he crossed that line and I needed to leave. But no one is ever in control of someone else's life. But I can only hope that he decides to hang on a little longer and find the light in life.
Life's been heavy. And yet, I wish I could carry some of the weight for him so he could think and feel a bit better.
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