I have known many people who started out as human beings that seemed kind and caring and genuine. I mean shit, I was in an emotional relationship for 4 years with a man who I thought had only good intentions and was genuinely concerned for my well-being. This turned out to be a farce. Absolutely. I mean, he train-wrecked my relationship with M, and worse yet, I let him! Only I didn't think that was the case at the time. I was in an extremely vulnerable state at that time, and his gross ass took full advantage of that. And worse of all, he couldn't even fully commit after I had literally left M, took the kids with me, moved out to Colorado, and started the relationship with him that he promised he would give. He fucking had one foot in the door and one foot out...and blamed me for the reason of doing so. Are you fucking kidding me??
Sadly, he wasn't the only one. And so, I've been thinking a lot about those situations and those guys whom I invited into me and my kids' lives. Why did I do so? What did I see in them? And how could I have kept things going for so long?
So I needed to think of the good things. The things that I genuinely liked about these people. The things that drew me to them and made me feel secure. Because through all the shit, there were characteristics that these men had that, to this day, I can still appreciate and smile about.
With S, what I liked about him was his, seemingly, understanding nature. I enjoyed his laughter. I enjoyed the care he seemed to bring. It's sad in the end that it was all a falsity. But I did enjoy that falsity! The best time that I hold on to with him is probably the time when we had hiked to watched the sunrise. It was a peaceful time that quickly after would descend into complete bitterness and anger.
With P, his humor is what kept me around. He was a kid at heart. Which is both good, and bad. He was, most of the time, pretty laid back. I also loved his laughter and smile. It was easy to get him to do so. On the opposite side of this however, was a short temper, control issues, selfishness, and a bit of alcoholism. The happiest time that sticks out the most is honestly when we had dated the first time when I was 16. I think I held on to that because I couldn't bring myself to face the truth that mostly, he wasn't the best dude out there for me.
With D, it was the feeling of being needed. Purpose. Which in the end, was actually the opposite. He didn't need me at all! It turned out to be abandonment! Neglect! But the time I hold on to was a night we spent eating food and psilocybin and listening to music. That was a moment that sticks out in my brain.
Now, this person was not one I dated, but A drew me into a friendship that I thought was genuine. That he actually cared for me and my family. He was the only one looking out for us at a certain period of time. To me, he was a wonderful friend whom I always thought was a guardian angel, sent to watch over us and make sure we were always okay. And it turned out, just like any other man, all he wanted was to sleep with me. And when I refused, he trashed me. The moment I hold onto with that friendship was when the kids and I first moved back out to Colorado for the last time and he was so welcoming. So happy and excited! It was cloud nine (which actually turned out to be a manic episode for me).
With Z, the best friend I tried so desperately to keep anchored, was lost. I tried and tried again with her. She used me over and over and over. I was nothing to her unless I had something to offer. No matter how much I was there for her. No matter all the plans we made with each other. A life of friendship together. And in the end, it meant nothing. And I had to let her go for good. But what I remember most is her fragility. And the times we would laugh until we were crying. Her laughter still rings in my ears. I miss that.
With J, well...in all honesty, I just feel very sad for her. She is stuck in time. She is unable to let things go that are nothing but dead weight. She trashes everything that is real and meaningful and loving. She drowns herself in sadness and alcohol. And it is very sad. There were times she was kind to me. And whether that was just a façade, it created some decent feelings for me. It brought on hope. It was always hope with her. Maybe this was the time she was going to grow and just be my friend. Maybe this was the time she was truly unstuck from the bullshit of her past. And like Z, I eventually needed to cut the anchor and let my ship sail off to free seas.
With my mom, it's harder to let go or forgive or move on. Most of my life, I've felt neglected by her. Always last on her list of priorities. Time and time again, I end up so disappointed and hurt that I get sent straight into a depressive episode. The good times with her as a child are few and far between, and most were sadly alcohol involved, because those were the times she was the most at ease and happy. To this day, I am just...disappointed. But I accept it.
There are not many people that I have felt horrible feelings for. Feelings that made me sick inside. Even horrible thoughts of harm to these people because of the harm they caused me. I hope to be forgiven for those awful thoughts. After last week's sermon at church, where it was talked about those who are not the nicest of people, who have caused harm and pain and trauma unto you and to others; that these people are mirrors, the aspects of yourself that stay hidden inside and you don't like. Because we are all capable of harm and inducing trauma. And I'm sure there are people who I have been that harm and trauma to them.
And so I was taking a shower the other night and thinking about the pain these people in my life caused. But then I remembered the sermon and thought to myself, "Well, there were good things about them too. Things that I will cherish, even through the shit. I can think about these people and feel both the pain, and the gratitude. Just like how I think of myself and all the aspects I carry. Both the pain and the beauty. The humor. The resilience.
I think this is the way of forgiveness. Remembering that they are human beings. Imperfect. Capable of causing pain. But also capable of causing pure joy. Just as I am capable of, myself.
I no longer harbor any resentment or harsh feelings. I no longer wish failure in their lives. Or laugh at their struggles. Because I don't laugh at my own. And I wouldn't others to wish the same upon me.
I am sorry. To those people and to myself. I hope we can all be free from the pain that was mutually felt. I hope we are finding happiness in our days. And abundance in the things that need it. I hope you have forgiven yourselves too.
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