♫♪ Happy Birthday to me ♪♫
If you didn't know, the whole breakdown in the car took about 6 hours. After my "work day" was over, I came back inside to be with my son. I got a notification on my phone that there was a delivery for me. As I dragged my feet downstairs to the package room, I thought about my daughter and how much I missed her. I also thought about her dad and what I was going to tell him. How was I going to tell him? Sigh. My heart was torn up about so much.
My package was a big box. Inside was a beautiful vase of flowers! I thought to myself, "I wonder if my boyfriend sent these to me!" The note inside read:
"Happy Birthday Dear Friend! We love you!" M&M
Though I was so happy and surprised that they sent me flowers for my birthday, I was a bit peeved that my boyfriend hadn't even sent me a text all day. I texted my friends and thanked them for the beautiful flowers and displayed them on the coffee table.
I went to my room to lay in bed for a bit and process through the day. My son sat next to me watching a movie. I lay there, staring up at the ceiling and I was filled with gratitude. I was filled with hope. I knew I was going to have this baby and even though I was absolutely terrified, I was excited to meet this little stranger I used to call my Little Gypsy. I apologized to God and to my ancestors for ever thinking about terminating. I apologized to myself for not following my own heart. I vowed to myself that from that moment, I would always listen to my heart; to listen to my intuition. And then I felt I could finally embrace this journey and take it head on.
The next day, I sent a message to my boyfriend and told him I needed a few days before I could talk to him. I told him how I was absolutely not okay with what happened the other night. I told him I needed to calm my energy and emotions before talking to him. He respected that at least. Over the course of the week, it was just work, home, work, home, work, home. Waiting for my daughter to come back. I was gearing up to have the conversation with my boyfriend that needed to happen. I invited him over to talk and he arrived shortly after.
-Now, before I get into this conversation that was had, I need to say that it is my assumption that he was expecting me to move forward with the termination, and that this conversation did not go the way he thought it would. So the decision he made was most likely very impulsive and not well thought through-
Okay, so we sat on my couch and I looked directly at him. I talked about what he did the other night was not okay and that I would not tolerate being spoken to and treated like that ever again. And that it also made my son very upset and to think about his actions before he does anything that could affect someone, especially children. He did apologize.
I then went on to say, "I have decided to have this baby." He froze.
"This is my decision alone and if this is something you do not want to have in your life, this is your opportunity to tell me so and walk away. No hard feelings at all, nothing will be asked of you ever. I just need you to be honest with me so I know what to expect and what to count on. I am okay with having this baby alone. More than happy to. If you walk away, I would understand and just know that I will always appreciate you and the times we shared together." Anticipation.
Silence.
My palms were sweating and leaving marks on the leather couch. "No, this is what I want. I want my family. I want this with you."
I go back in time and remember feeling the yucky butterflies in this moment. A feeling I should have followed. Out of shock and hope, I said, "Okay. But I need it to be more than words. Show me this what you want." I felt unsure. But I was trying to move past that feeling. To try to give him the opportunity to show me that this was truly what he wanted. To stop putting up my walls and let trust come in. "Trust the process" I would say in my mind.
"One thing I have to do before I get into dad-mode is Wasteland Weekend at the end of September. I think I just have to freak out a bit before I gotta put that away and be a dad." Understandably, as this trip had been planned for just about a year, I wasn't going to tell him no! Was I upset that he wasn't going to be here for my daughter's birthday? Of course!
Now, we had our first ultrasound during the second week of September. It felt.....strange. Like he wasn't in the room with me, even though he was. Honestly, I can't even remember if my daughter was with me for the appointment. Can you seen how things started to become a blur? But I know that I needed to have a conversation with her dad about this whole situation. I was feeling a multitude of emotions about it. Even guilt. Like, how could I have gotten pregnant after only a month of being back. When just a couple months ago, I was begging my kids' dad to move here with us.
Looking back, I should have recognized my patterns. But I had spent 7 years running from myself. And I had to come to this realization.
I knew that there was a lot of emotional work to process through. A grieving process. I felt, in order to move forward freely and have this baby with my current boyfriend, I needed to let go of my ex-partner. Now, this wasn't an easy feat. But it needed to be done. Meanwhile, my boyfriend had gone and left for Wasteland. He was supposed to come and see us before he left, but that never happened. The whole time he was gone, it was strange, but I didn't miss him. That bothered me so much! I go back to it now and understand why. But at the time, it really irked me.
Journal Entry 09/25/22--
"I have a lot of feelings, I have a lot of emotions. I have some shit to work through internally. I need to forgive myself for my abortion in 2020. I need to let some feelings of the past go. To be okay with my past. And my past decisions. I left the nest when I left my aunt's house. I feel like I haven't been okay since. It feels like my last safe space. The feeling of safety, comfort, stability, trust, family, hope."
Journal Entry 09/27/22--
"It's okay to be scared. Remember there is no courage without fear! And I am a lion! Sometimes I let my fears and insecurities get the best of me. And that's okay! It's okay for people to love you. It's okay for people to help you. I am creating new life with my body and energy. I can create and manifest the most magical life I deserve and desire. When I am in love with myself, life falls in love with me.
Let Go & Let God."
His father was pissed off that he left us to go and party in the desert. I kinda shrugged my shoulders and was like, "Yeah, but this has been planned for him for a long time." He rolled his eyes at me and cracked open a beer. "If you need anything at all, please tell me so. I will do anything I can to help you." He slipped me some bucks. We hugged, I left.
I waited. I processed.
Last year I was re-reading my journal at the time and had written about how weird it was that I didn't miss him while he was gone. I realized that it was because being with him and being alone felt the same.
Journal Entry 09/30/22--
"Why am I so content with being alone? ______ being away has revealed how much hurt, pain, and loss I still feel inside; how much healing I still need to do."
Dec. 2023 Reflections- "That's because you felt alone while with ______. That is not your fault."
He came back and gave me this cool ring that he got while at Wasteland. It was very "me" styled. He said he had done some magic to it or something, and later that day after he left, the ring had broke. It should have been an omen. He also said he'd fix the stones to put them back in, but he never did. In fact, he stayed gone so long they sat there collecting dust on the shelf.
You see, he would text me. Sometimes call on the phone. Maybe stop by after work if it wasn't too late. But I started to feel those yucky butterflies again. It felt like he was avoiding me. And I sat there waiting for him to come through the door. To come home to his family. But when I found out he had been visiting an ex-girlfriend of his this whole time, mind you, she lived about 25 minutes from where I lived. My boyfriend didn't have a car, so by bus, if that's what was happening, it would have taken up to 40 minutes to get there.
He worked 10 blocks away from my apartment. And for some reason, was choosing to see her and not his pregnant girlfriend. The family that he chose.
"This is what I want. I want my family. I want this with you."
No comments:
Post a Comment