Now, I want to make it very clear that I did not walk into this meeting with a 100% conviction that I was going to get back into a relationship with _____. I needed to get a feel of the situation from him as well. I needed to hear him speak. I needed to look into his eyes. Basically, I needed to be convinced and feel assured by him. Had I hoped that things would go well? Absolutely. I mean, there's a reason I kept this baby, right? Because I saw a beautiful future with him by my side.
I walked through the coffee shop doors and spotted him immediately. Though I was happy to see him, I was saddened by his appearance. He was very...haggard. Unshaven. Smelly clothes. Dark, baggy, red eyes. To be honest, he didn't look that great. And I came in with a hug, caked in flour and food dust, and into his chest I said, "I'm so sorry. I missed you." And we just stood there in the middle of the coffee shop, embracing each other. His energy felt sad, tired, defeated. The opposite of my energy.
"She's parking the car right now and should be here in just a minute." He said about ______. We both sat in silence when I handed him The Sage Manual. He smiled and looked at me with amazement. "This. This is genius. ____ came up with the idea? We need to patent this immediately." He laughed. _____ came through the door and found her seat with us. She hugged us both. We ordered tea and coffee and some snacks. And the talking began.
There were many apologies. Heart truths. At least from what I could tell. I was also paying attention to the energy between them. Trying to see if they were being strange in any way whatsoever. I got zero bad vibes and felt like he genuinely thought we were absolutely done. I told him that for months, I felt like a dog waiting by the door, whining for her owner to get home. Pathetic. Again, more apologies. He told me the same things that ______ told me about him getting his shit together. He said he was even starting to read up on some birth and parenting stuff. _______ interjected at some point to bring up the Roommate situation and how me and ______ needed to get an apartment together asap. It felt a bit rushed, as we had literally spent almost an entire pregnancy apart, but it also made sense at the time. Plus, it really did feel like the only true solution at the time as his basement was unlivable.
Things seemed cleared up a lot. I told him his homework was to read through The Manual. He told me that he needed to fly to _______ to visit his grandpa, because he felt if he talked to his grandpa, he would feel much more prepared and ready to have this baby and this life with me. I told him to do what he needed.
When I look back at this moment, this time we all shared inside the coffee shop, I feel like a little kid. A little girl who has been white-lied to by her parents so as not to hurt her feelings. And it makes me sad for her. Because she was so oblivious.
He walked me, hand-in-hand, back to the apartment where Roommate eventually saw us sitting on the couch together. _______ gave him the stare of death and Roommate walked past in silence. There we sat on the couch, discussing the near future of living situations, job prospects, birth, and babies. He touched my stomach for the first time.
I felt a sense of peace for the first time. I felt a sincere try from him for the first time.
I mentioned how my best friend's partner was the executive chef of a large catering company and that we were getting him set up with him to have an interview. I worked on a resume for him, got in touch with the chef, and set up an interview day. We also began working on getting him into this apartment complex.
Things were slowly falling into place and I was feeling a bit more at ease. The kids were really happy to have him back around again, and the passenger seat filled again.
The first time we went to the grocery store together in a long time, he had asked me if he had my permission to buy a beer. Even though it kinda took me by surprise that he was wanting to have a drink, it made me feel like I was at least being factored into his decision, and so I said, "Sure." And as you can imagine, this was my mistake. And as you can also imagine, this was the only time he ever asked my permission to drink. From each day forth, he tacked on another beer. Then wine. Then whiskey.
When we ultimately moved into the new unit (my name not on the lease), his boss had gifted us a celebratory bottle of wine. We had a lot to celebrate! The new place together, the new job, leaving the old one, and the birth of our son (which would happen in April). Before the apartment had even been moved into, he and a friend drank the celebratory bottle.
It was the last week of March, and we had just moved in during my 38th week of pregnancy. I was getting everything prepared and I was exhausted. I was feeling a lot of anxiety and overwhelm. I was having panic attacks and I couldn't understand why. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel ease. I couldn't let _____ sleep in the same bed as me yet. But I couldn't sleep alone, so my little girl slept by my side every night while we'd watch The Walking Dead.
One of the nights of that first week, I needed to go see my best friend to sort my mind out. I wasn't feeling good, and I couldn't put my finger on any of it. No joke, when I arrived at her house, the world started to spin again and I thought I was going to pass out. I was lightheaded and seeing stars with my eyes open. I started to get a migraine. She drew a bath for me and gave me a bunch of epsom salt, music, candlelight. She fed me electrolytes and coconut water and liver supplements. Such a amazing friend, and I felt so cared for and so lucky.
She was talking to me about my anxiety and where it was stemming from. Now, keep in mind, my boyfriend was working an event that night and said he would not be home until late and he knew we were going to my best friends house for awhile. Somewhere in-between recovering from whatever I had just been experiencing and talking with my best friend I received a text message:
March 29th, 2023
9:23 pm
When you get home, we need to talk.
Immediate panic sets in
Is everything okay?
Would you like a hard truth or a soft lie?
Panic increasing
Hard truth?
Fine. You are neglecting me. In like a lot of ways.
Now this conversation blew up after this. I was pissed to say the least.
Here I was, sitting on my best friend's couch, already a fucking wreck of a person. Questioning this whole experience. Trying to understand where all this anxiety was coming from because I had been so happy and excited back at the end of January when _____ came back into my life. How did I go from that to having panic attacks in the night while 38 weeks pregnant, unable to get a sense of safety and stability from ______. Oh, wait. It's this right here.
Underlying it all was this mentality that he carried towards me. That, because I wasn't in the mood to basically bend down and kiss the ground he walks on for...helping me around the house and for having a job and helping me with my kids during my 38th week of pregnancy...because I was beyond exhausted by the end of this pregnancy, that I was neglecting him. That, as he said, my "words were empty and meant nothing to him."
I spent the duration of this pregnancy A-L-O-N-E, partially handicapped (not kidding), with zero income, and a creepy roommate trying to tell me he wants to fuck me while I'm pregnant with someone else's baby. After I re-opened my heart and expanded my perspective over ______ and our relationship, I had to move during my 38th week of pregnancy (the 11th move since 2019, another story for later) because Roommate was now leaving his gun out and getting wasted and becoming more of an asshole and threatening me and my children. I dedicated whatever time and energy I had at this point to getting ______ a new apartment (which I had to use part of my tax return money for...but...wait, wasn't he saving up money for the baby? Where was all that money he and ______ said he saved), a new job, while trying to make this new home together actually feel and look like a damn home. Making myself postpartum broths, even though he said he would make them for me. Preparing my mind, soul, and body to have his baby...
But no. I am neglecting him.
At this point I was in tears and the only thing I wanted to do was run off into the mountains alone to give birth to this baby. Hugging a tree and pushing this baby out by my damn self. This was the night I almost left. And my best friend understood why. But she brought me back down to earth a bit. I went to lay down with my kids and prayed to god that everything was going to be okay.
One week later from this night would be the day I gave birth to my beautiful son.
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