Lost & Found

So two days ago, I finally married my favorite person in the whole world at the recorder clerk's office. Yay, us! It only took about 13 years to figure this whole thing out, haha.

Something chaotic happened on the day we were getting married. The day started out calm and happy. I went to Trader Joe's and bought him some flowers (as Trader Joe's has the best flowers/plants). I spent the morning getting ready. My sister came over to help me get dolled up. I wore a hairstyle I never would have worn in a million years. It's not that it's dumb, but my hair is fairly thin, and volume is hard to come by unless I go to a salon—and who has the money for that?

M went to get ready at his parents' house so that we could be somewhat traditional in the "not supposed to see each other until we get married" part of marriage. I was running behind with the kids, trying my best to put on makeup (which I never wear, by the way), get dressed, and finish my hair. We zoomed out the door, and off I went up the mountain to meet my soon-to-be husband. About 5 minutes into driving up the mountain, I realized I had forgotten my driver's license/photo ID, which was required to proceed with the marriage.

There were no turnouts or breaks in the median to turn around, 30 minutes until the wedding was supposed to happen, and still 25 miles to drive. I had to drive all the way to the top of the mountain in order to turn around and drive back down. My sons were with me in the car, while my daughter was riding with my dad and sister. I asked him to keep searching in the back seat for my ID just in case, because I swore that the car was the last place I remembered having it. To no avail, it could not be located.

We arrived back at the apartment, and I dashed upstairs to rummage through everything I could think of to find it. Meanwhile, I was also soaking through a tampon because I was on day two of my moon cycle. I'm freaking out, on the verge of crying and giving up. I run to the bathroom to take care of myself and then, last minute, decide to grab my old California license and dash out the door, praying to God they'll accept this ID.

Driving back up the mountain, I let everyone know that I couldn't find it and that I was going to be there as quickly as I could. "Please let the recorder clerk know I'm just running behind a few minutes!" Like a madwoman, I nearly fall out of the car, check to see if I'm bleeding through my white dress, throw on my heels, desperately try to fix my hair (which I am now regretting), and get my sons out of the car.

Finally inside, I see my M, and relief floods my heart and mind. I climb into his arms, and he says he loves me and thinks I look great. We head inside the clerk's office, and I'm hoping to God that when she asks for my ID, she'll be okay with it. The clerk was very kind, welcoming, and excited for us and our family. And she looked over my ID for like, 1.5 seconds and happily handed it back to me. She had us go over some papers and sign them. I officially have the last name I have desired since the moment I knew his last name.

"Today we are gathered to witness the marriage of M and Sage and to share in the joy of this memorable occasion. The two of you have come before me today to be united in marriage. Marriage is a desire by two people to share themselves and their experiences with each other and a willingness to accept each other for who they are. It is making a commitment to friendship and mutual respect and calls for honesty, patience, courage, and of course, humor. Marriage is where each partner is there to support each other in all that they do. Marriage requires closeness and distance—the closeness of a couple growing together and enough distance to allow each partner to be an individual. A good partner in such a marriage will be loving, caring, and above all, a best friend."

My hand melts in his.

"Sage, do you vow your love and devotion to M, promising to care for him in the joys and sorrows of life, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, whatever the future may bring?"

With a smile on my face and in my heart, "I do."

"M, do you vow your love and devotion to Sage, promising to care for her in the joys and sorrows of life, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, whatever the future may bring?"

"I do." He squeezes my hand.

"M and Sage, you have both made the declarations prescribed by law and have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of the witnesses. It therefore gives me the greatest honor and privilege to announce that by the virtue of the authority vested in me as deputy commissioner of marriages, I now pronounce you married!"

And he takes me in and kisses me like it was the first time. The world around us disappears.

For a quick marriage in a recorder clerk's office, it was a beautiful experience. And I am over the moon about it. And yes, we are still going to have our wedding ceremony with other family and friends next year at our favorite place.

It was a million degrees outside, and we wanted to get out of these hot clothes. We were also starving, all of us, since we had not had anything to eat all day. It was decided that we would get some food at the taqueria and head to the beach to jump into that magical, medicinal lake water.

But I misplaced my car key. My brain seemed to have been gone for most of that day. In all honesty, I think I was just rushing around so quickly because I couldn't wait to be M's wife, finally. My dad and I searched and searched for the key. I went back into the office to ask the clerk if she'd seen it. Nothing. I ran back to the car to continue searching.

While searching for the key, my dad found my license. The whole time I'd searched the car, alongside my son who was also trying to help, we never found it. Lo and behold, it had been getting a safe ride in my daughter's car seat. Shaking my head in annoyance and disbelief, I went to put the license in my wallet when, as if by magic, my car key appeared in my wallet...which, by the way, I had already searched through five times and had not found the key. It was like a joke!

Dying of heat and hunger, we were all finally on our way. We filled our bellies, changed into beach attire, and headed to sweet relief from the water.

There was a moment in the water with my now-husband where he was holding me, looking into my eyes the way he used to in the beginning. It filled my heart. I told him, "This is my favorite place in the whole world. In your arms in the lake." Head resting on his heart. "Oh!" he said. We laughed together.

And it's true. My heaven would be this. And peering out towards the beach and seeing my family. This is heaven. And it's not often we find heaven on Earth.

At a point when I was alone in the water, I thanked the lake over and over and over. So full of gratitude. See, what I like to do is go to the river and purge my emotions physically. I pray and meditate and ask for release. The river takes my burdens away. Carries them down to the lake, like a message for her. So when I go to the lake and dive in, I come up feeling cleansed and pure and full of gratitude. And the lake, she is a whole entity. Her waters are medicine! And sometimes she claims the souls of others. And sometimes she carries the ashes of loved ones. And she gives children and babies joy from the sand and the sound of the waves. The coolness of the waters refreshes anyone who dares enter her.

Lake Tahoe. Home. Thank you. M and I stood and sat at your shores from ice and snow to those hot, summery days just talking and talking and being in each other's presence. Falling deeper in love each time. And now, this beautiful soul of a man is my husband. And it is an honor to belong to him. And yes, I am okay with belonging to someone. Because he isn't just any someone, he is the soul I was led to find again in this life. And I believe that we have belonged to each other since the creation of time.

I wanted to bring up the chaos of that day—losing my license and key, forgetting my tampons, feeling insecure about my hair, and the rushing around—because it is very symbolic of our relationship. So much so that it's laughable. I mean, from the time we started to spend days with each other, we had both been lost for a while. Both on the borderline of nihilism and loss of all hope for anything good in our futures. And we didn't bask in that while spending time with each other, which you would think would be the natural thing to do. Complain. Dwell. Pity. But we lifted each other up. We tried to understand ourselves and each other and the experiences we had from our past up until the moment we said hello to each other.

We fell in love, if this wasn't obvious enough. And we stayed hidden. We hid while simultaneously being out in the open, if that makes any sense. Like my license and key had done that day.

Over the course of our relationship, I was convinced that I had lost my identity. I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to do in life. I needed to find myself. While he waited for me at the clerk's office, waiting for me to get my shit together, I left to go find myself. I drove down that mountain. I searched and searched. I neglected my self-care. All that blood soaked through. I needed those tampons, ugh! I couldn't find my license for the life of me! I grabbed an old ID and prayed it would be accepted. Thinking I was going to miss my own wedding, I rushed my way back up the mountain. Made it home to him, standing in this office with 20 minutes to spare for our appointment.

Meanwhile, my license, my identity had been with me the whole time. I had the key the entire time. It was always with me.

Having to drive down that mountain in the moment felt like such a mistake. And realizing at the clerk's office that I didn't even need to drive back down that mountain, that it was a useless thing that only wasted time, I was annoyed. And sweaty. Ugh.

But if I hadn't driven back down, I wouldn't have been able to clean up that blood and take care of myself. Even if it took a couple of extra minutes out of what was supposed to be our wedding. I wouldn't have the backup ID. That little bit of hope left in me that maybe, just maybe it would work. The alternative reality of what could have been was this:

Driving up the mountain, bleeding through my white dress. Still in a rush because I was already late. The anxiety. The need to rush through so I don't make a bloody mess. Only to realize at the appointment that I have ZERO ID to show, being turned around in defeat and disappointment. Blaming myself and my brain.

If I had never left M, which is something I have told myself since coming back home to him was a waste of time and totally pointless, I never would have come to the realization that he was, in fact, home. That I had already known who I was the whole time I was with him. That I already had everything I needed. This brings immense gratitude and appreciation into my life.

Appreciation for the bullshit drive back down the mountain.

By the way, while I was driving back down the mountain in desperate search of my ID, M was dealing with really awful people at the courthouse, which we thought was the place we had to go for the marriage. They weren't helping him at all. He was in the wrong place. And it wasn't until a stranger, not even a courthouse worker, told him he was in the wrong place and he needed to get to the recorder clerk's office at an entirely different address.

While I was gone, apart from him in Colorado, he had been in the wrong place too. And he received no help. There was no guidance. No direction. Knowing that he had to get to the place where we would be forever united. Both in our own way, knowing we needed to get to that place. And we did.

Life is strange that way. Little reminders and messages from the universe. This is life. And it ain't easy a lot of the time. And I know marriage is supposed to be a big deal in that you are binding yourself to a person for the rest of your life. You hear from so many people the anxiety they have just before getting married. I always told myself, if I'm having anxiety before getting married, I'm not getting married. I feel like when you are getting married to your person, you should feel calm. Ready. Loved. Knowing. Trusting.

Yes, marriage is a big deal. But everything that M and I have faced, whether apart or together, makes me extremely confident in our ability to get through anything that may come our way. I know in my heart how strong we are. How united we are and have been from the very beginning, even when apart. Our energy has been tied from the beginning. So marrying him was official in the eyes of the court, our union. Though our union happened the moment we spoke words to each other almost 13 years ago. It has been a soul marriage this entire time.

Absolutely everything in my life—my heartbreaking childhood, my angry adolescence—led me to him. Every pain I felt. Every time I was alone and wanted to die, I'd imagine a future where I felt cared for and loved unconditionally. I felt those emotions. And meeting M, I knew in an instant that the little girl who used to feel this energy, this presence I could only feel in my times of despair and loss, was him all along. I was just making my way towards him. And him the same in his own way.

Just a reminder that nothing in life is ever pointless, useless, or a waste of time.

Never.