Incapable

There is one side of me that imagines my life as one where I travel the world with my children, have a nice, humble home, have a garden or even some land with animals, and the financial freedom of never having to worry. The other side of me is broken, lost, addicted to sex and drugs, her home-away-from-home is a psychiatric facility where she can't seem to escape her mental illnesses and nihilism.

Sometimes, I don't know how to cope. And other times, I can easily conquer. No matter the head meds I take. Sometimes I feel like they are a placebo affect. But then I remember the past 7 years of having zero meds and the disaster after disasters that occurred. I mean, I've been back home for a year now. And you might think, "Okay, and?" But this is huge deal. A big step for me. The last time I stayed somewhere for a year or more was when I lived with M from 2012 to 2019.

I imagine my life where I don't have kids around to make sure I'm getting out of bed or leaving the room. I imagine my life where I don't have M around to lift me up and give me reason to live. It is a sad and dark life. And I don't even know how I scored the lottery with the family I have with M. 

I am incapable of normalcy. I am incapable of stability (on my own). I am incapable of taking care of myself. I am incapable with so many things, it's debilitating to think about. And when imagining my life where I no longer have M around, (my biggest fear), I wonder how in the world I will ever be able to show up for anyone. Ever. I am unable to work because of my mental illnesses. How would I pay for housing or food for my children? 

From 2019 to 2023 when I was alone caring for my children, do you know what I did? I spent almost every night crying myself to sleep. I shared my bed with my kids for comfort. I pissed in old bottles and cups when I couldn't leave my room due to psychotic symptoms I was experiencing. I left job after job. Home after home. Living in a constant state of severe anxiety and major depression. I couldn't pay my way. I was using our food stamps and TANF. $500 a month. You think that is any way to live?

If I lost M, I don't know if I could ever be okay again.

I've been having so much anxiety over these thoughts lately. It's a mixture of an evil brain during times of peace and happiness, and also because of our age-gap relationship. I worry so much about being left behind. Yeah, and I know I could go before him. But that's not the anxiety I get. 

Anyway, I don't like talking about that.

There are times when I imagine that Me where I am living a golden life with my kids and family. And sometimes I catch myself not believing in that reality. Because I don't realize just how debilitating my illnesses are. It's honestly a miracle I can do what I do at all. I mean, tonight, I came to the realization of why I never do bath time and self-care habits with my kids. Because as a kid myself, my mom never did those things with me. Bath time was not a time for playing. Or enjoying with my mom. It wasn't exciting like how you see with other parents or in shows or movies. So why would I get excited for my own kids. It was easier when my oldest were little. But even now with my youngest, I still find it such a chore to get it going. I feel like such a failure in some of my ways with parenting. 

I learned how Not To Parent. So I do those well. But things that fall between those things are my weak spots. Spots in which I feel guilt and shame and lost. And I worry that my kids will only see those spots and not the other stuff I try so hard to put forth. I was never set up to succeed. I was neglected, traumatized, abandoned, betrayed, and told to basically figure it out. And then when I end up in the mental hospital, I am treated like being mentally ill is my fucking fault. And my mom walks around on eggshells while my dad basically doesn't believe in mental illness. "Instead of communicating about it and trying to help, let's play pretend because I don't want to face my own mistakes as a mother/father!" Because you don't want to admit that you played huge role into how and why I ended up so mentally unfit. But look down on me to feel better about you, that's fine.

I am turning 30 on August 16th. I have nothing together. And my only motivation in life are my kids and my M. There are too many things in the world that I want to do or be. It's overwhelming. And I'm literally never sure if the thing I choose to invest in is real or just a manic episode. I mean, just a few months back, I was considering going to mortuary school. Here I am in June going, "What the fuck, Sage?" There are so many businesses that I want to run. Or rather, that I think I want to run. But when it comes down to it, is it real? I am completely unreliable in this. I can't just pick one thing and stick with it. I went to phlebotomy school just to be a phlebotomist for a week and a half. 

How do I reach my Golden Life Reality? No, seriously, how?? I could really use some guidance. Because I've been in therapy since I was 3 and am finally medicated and I just feel like it barely scratches the surface of success in my life. I still struggle so hard. So, so hard.

You don't even understand how grateful and lucky I am to be here. Like, you can't even comprehend. And honestly, I owe my fucking life to M. From day one. Even through all my bullshit over these past few years, he was there. Even if it was in the background. I will never understand why he loves me the way that he does. But he does, and so I am just forever in gratitude.

Anyway, I just needed to vent a bit and share my feelings. It always helps.