Facing Truths and Making Mountains

March 12th, 2024

It has been almost 7 years since my hospital stay at the Psych Ward. And yesterday, we drove back to that awful place so that I could pick up my medical records. On the front page it reads: Diagnosis Information- Bipolar disorder, current episode manic severe with psychotic features. Dysthymic disorder.

This got me to take a look back in time, I mean like, as far back as I can remember. This whole dysthymic disorder thing is mind-blowing to me. Well, not really. It actually makes perfect sense and I think was the perfect foundation for me to develop bipolar disorder. Thanks trauma and neglect! Back in 2020 I reached out to an old caretaker of mine from when I was 5-6 years old. We called her Grandma Carol. On the phone, we spoke for a decent 40 minutes. I remember her saying, "I never knew a kid so young could be as low, depressed, and internally angry. All I wanted to do was make you smile." Every time I went over to her house, she would buy me a beanie baby. These beanie babies were my best friends growing up!

It is sad though. Looking back from the beginning up to now and seeing and feeling that underlying, consistent sadness and depression. The perfect foundation for a disorder such as bipolar disorder. You see, because any time something good happens, no matter how small, it becomes the greatest thing ever! Which can trigger mania. And if something once good turns bad or doesn't work out in the way I had imagined (due to manic thoughts and daydreaming), then a major depressive episode gets introduced; and because I internalize everything, there might even be some self-deprecation, self-hate, and nihilism. I go off and abandon myself. This cycles forever and ever it seems. And I have Resting Sad Face.

I am recently back on my head meds. Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and Lamictal (Lamotrigine). Since knowing my baseline is actually a low one, I feel the drugs bring me up just enough to be categorized as a very low-grade depression. So far. We are upping the dosage of the Lamictal every two weeks. It is helping.

Bipolar disorder. Mania. Major Depression. Psychosis. Dysthymia. It's time I call it what it is and stop running from it. I vaguely remember back in the day saying something like "You can't run away from yourself because you always catch up." In my mind I see I see her and she's just sitting there on the sidewalk, head in her hand, looking bored and she says to me, "You done now?" Well, me, yes. I am quite done running. 

Now, that doesn't mean trauma didn't play a role. But, you can have both. Like a two-for-one deal you didn't sign up for! Buy one get one free!

So what do we do? Where do we go from here? Let's go back into my medical records from that psych stay I had and see what it said.

Challenges/Barriers: Pt states she guesses herself, doubts self, and sees her mother as a challenge.

Mental Status Narrative: Alert, cooperative, wanting to improve her sleep and mental state.

Summary of Finding: Pt is somewhat fragile, becoming tearful when discussed that her voices were really a thought misread as a voice. Pt frightened of her own mental illness. Motivated to move through these issues with current psychiatrist and therapist.

Recommendation for Goals and Interventions address patient clinical needs: Stabilize sleep, reduce auditory and visual hallucinations, problem solve coping skills that can reduce personal stress and improve functioning.

Now remember, this psych visit was because I had insomnia induced psychosis. I had been hallucinating and hearing things that were absolutely debilitating and frightening. The insomnia was a reaction from the sexual trauma avoidance. And boom, it hit me all at once when I was forced into that hospital. Terrified of the dark, afraid to sleep...but yet there was no choice but to face it all.

Since then, has there been any movement and growth? 7 years pass and has anything changed? Do I still have mommy issues? Daddy issues? Do I still doubt myself? Am I still losing my damn mind? Am I still fragile?

There has been growth with my mom and I over the years. Are we where I'd ideally like to be? Far from it. But day by day, year by year. I hope. I try. Actually, that's a lie. I don't hope anymore. I accept it for what it is. I accept my mom for who she is. And I understand that she is only able to give what she received in her own life. Does it hurt? Yes. But I try my best to not let it affect me. 

I still struggle with self-doubt. But not all the damn time like I used to back then. As for the fragility...well, not so lucky with that one. I still feel sorta like a ghost. Maybe ghost isn't the right one. More like, I feel like an alien and this planet makes me feel out of place. 

I still have moments of time when I begin to experience psychosis. I have been able to bring it back down with the help and support of my partner and with the various tools I have learned through many variants of therapy. So luckily, I have not had a full blown psychotic episode since 2017. *knocks on wood* Though I probably should have never gone off my head meds in the first place...

A thing I notice about myself is that when I have a good day, the next day is guaranteed to be a low mood day. 100%. I don't know if it's because it throws my dysthymic disorder out of whack and my brain has to expend itself so hard to reach those high levels of serotonin or something, but damn. It sucks. The lamictal is helping me more and more, and I finally feel motivation creeping back into my life, which has been a godsend. Slowly but surely I feel like I'm getting my life back.

Yawn. Why am I talking about this stuff again? Well, it's because I need to stop lying to myself and take accountability for my own brain. The things I've gotten myself into because of it all. The way I have treated people in the past, thinking I was doing the right thing. Remember the Red Balloon with the Silver String? My mania, if you may. Well, I held on a bit too tight to it. My intuition kept trying to tell me to let go any time I started to float a bit too high. But I wouldn't let go. Until I found myself floating high above the clouds and got really scared. And just then, POP! And down I went to go meet my dark monster yet, again. "You must feel the darkness, my dear one." He whispers. We can call him Major Depression. Look, it's alright to hold onto the Red Balloon. Walk with it a little. But find something to help you stay grounded. For me, it's my head meds and my partner that help me do so.

All of these play a role in my life and in my actions, or inactions. But I'm 29 now, not a teen, and not a young 22-23 year old. Life speeds up the more you age. And I couldn't keep up with it back then! So I find myself still trying to find my purpose and path in this world. Not long ago, (when I was feeling low), I said to my partner as we were driving through the Rocky Mountains, "You can see every layer of rock in these mountains. For millions of years, these mountains have been growing, layer by layer. One day i'll become a part of the Earth, not even a sliver of a layer in these mountains. My life just completely....small, meaningless, and insignificant." I stared out the window watching the mountains as we drove through them. M said, "Well your layer matters to me. I'll notice your layer." And to me, that was everything. He always knows just what to say to make my heart smile.

Being reminded of this, I spend every day doing my best to not abandon myself. Ever again. The past two years was all about learning self-love and knowing what I deserve in my life. Now I have the opportunity to put it into daily practice and focus on getting my health back in order. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been on the back-burner for far too long. That's done. Goodbye old life, Hello to this one! Even with my microscopic layer of a life...it matters. I matter. And no matter what my life's purpose and path are, I know it'll count for something good because it is my duty to do so. Because it's not just my layer. It's my children's layers, and their children's children's layers. And on and on and on. And that's how these beautiful mountains are created.